The Rainbow After The Storm

Today is such a hard day for so many beautiful women. I really had to contemplate if I was going to tell you my story because I hardly ever talk about it. After sitting here and praying about it for most of the day I have decided the answer is yes. There is someone sitting there reading this who needs to know that they are not alone. They are not the only woman who has had to encounter such a terrible loss. It is incredibly painful to even relive the moments that happened to me personally, but I hope you find comfort in my story knowing that you are not alone.

The Excitement

There they were, those two pink lines and I was not prepared to see them at all. I had been feeling different and was noticing changes in my body, but I still needed to see the proof in those lines. Shortly after this happened we decided we were going to go and surprise our family in CA. We were so excited! When we found out about Kaila we told everyone at six weeks because I was so sick and everything with the pregnancy was perfect. I figured why not tell them even though it was so early, what could it hurt right?

I remember I was feeling sick on the drive from Arizona to CA so I thought this is a good sign, things are going well. We stopped at Target so we could get a cute big sister tee for Kaila to break the news to my mom who was at practice with her team. I think she was so excited to see us she did not even realize that Kaila had a big sister tee on! Anyway, we just spent our time there being excited and telling everyone how happy we were to be pregnant and Kaila was going to be a big sister.

I still remember the post that we made after we told our families the news. Kaila was running in the leaves, yes it was fall, and seeing this is so hard for me. Her shirt read, “Best Sister Ever.” It is still one of my favorite pictures of her despite how painful it is to look at because she looks so happy and carefree.

The Storm

We got home and made an appointment to get set up with an OB, but out of nowhere I remember feeling like something was terribly wrong. I remember laying in bed and silently freaking out thinking this was it and I was about to lose the baby. I was about 8 weeks and the cramps starting coming. I tried to get on the phone and talk to an advice nurse but they really were not helpful. They basically said since we had an appointment soon there was not much we could do but wait. It felt like an eternity passed by even though it was only a few minutes. Suddenly I just felt like I needed to sit on the toilet. I was in so much pain. It was literally like I was having labor contractions. All I could do was breathe through the pain and ask God for strength because I was freaking out. I called my husband and he was just as scared. I remember there was a lot of blood at least way more than I knew there should have been. Then after what felt like hours of sitting in the bathroom and crying I had a really terrible pain. This was even worse than the previous cramps and I felt like I needed to push. It literally felt like I passed something through me.

I was so scared to look in the toilet because in my heart I knew what I was going to find. Inside the toilet was what looked like a baby. I called my husband who was checking on Kaila at the time, to tell me if I was making things worse in my head and we looked at each other and knew. It was absolutely devastating. We had no clue how to handle the loss so we both just focused on staying busy until the doctor could confirm the truth.

We got to the doctor and we heard those words, there is no pregnancy here. It was like the pregnancy had completely vanished. We told the doctor what happened and she told us we lost the baby.

If I am being completely honest, I decided in that moment that I did not want anymore kids. Kaila was perfect and she was all we needed. There was no way that I could go through another heartbreak like this.

I remember being so upset with God. Wondering why He allowed this terrible thing to happen to me. I was upset with myself for losing the baby. All of those terrible feelings that no one speaks about but you feel when this type of devastation occurs, I felt those things. You are not the only one. I questioned God daily and my faith was broken because of it. It took me a VERY long time to be at peace and trust in whatever the Lord had planned for our family.

The Rainbow

Fast forward from 2014 to the fall of 2015. I went to the dollar store because I was feeling those same feelings all over again and needed confirmation. I barely stuck the stick in the cup and it said I was pregnant. I remember thinking wow this must be a strong pregnancy! We did not tell anyone! I wanted to wait until we went to the doctor and got confirmation. I was laying on the table and I remember her saying “they look great.” I am almost positive my husband almost dropped Kaila off his lap out of shock.  I thought she was joking with us, but she went on to tell us that we were having TWINS! We could not believe it. God was giving us not just one, but two blessings!

That is a story for another time, but let me leave you with this, after the storm comes a rainbow, sometimes two. God is good and He is faithful. Be encouraged. Be blessed. You are not alone.

“Be still and know that I am God.”

– Psalm 46:10